Have you ever had so much going on in your life and mind that you can’t keep it all straight? It just becomes so overwhelming sometimes. Between the nightmare of an election oddly bothering me, making our way through a pandemic, my eldest child constantly and continuously pushing me to the limits, an ineffective and ill-informed manager, and health concerns all around. I’ve been trying to write, but start and stop, unable to get the words and thoughts to fall in line.
The Election
I’m not even ready to address the complex feelings I have about this election and the absolutely unfounded claims of voter fraud that Trump and his … regime want us to believe exist. Even after Homeland Security verified that this was “the most secure in American history” and that there was “no evidence” of tampering.[i] And the far right calls us liberals snowflakes. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Trump needs to pack up what little dignity he has left and accept defeat. He lost in what is a frighteningly divided country. The divisiveness that this troll leaves in his wake is beyond measure.
Shitshow.
Fleeting Thought on 2020
It’s 2020 and we are living in the shadow of a global pandemic with no end in sight. Big pharma is rushing to create a vaccine with unknown side effects. At least three different drug companies are vying for the lead position in the race to get a vaccine to market.[ii] Who’s going to win the race and at what cost? We’re into this so deep now, it doesn’t feel like it will ever end. I don’t mind wearing a mask, or teleworking, or being more thoughtful and conscientious about washing my hands and keeping away from oversized crowds or groups of people.
Yep. Shitshow.
Parenting Ups and Downs and Sideways and Backwards …
I love my kids. All of them. It’s shocking how much one demands attention over the others. Over the past two years, he’s lead a violently turbulent life, and his reliance on a woman that treats him like a second-class citizen only intensifies the feelings. I’ve literally told my son—and I quote—”I love you, but I don’t like you very much.” It made him cry. He thought it was cruel and mean. It nearly broke my heart to say it, but he needed to know much he hurt me. How much he hurts me. I’ve tried to explain it to him in terms that he can understand by creating a comparison and my words simply fell on deaf ears. He just doesn’t get it.
In the past two years, he’s caused thousands of dollars of damage to my car. It’s not even paid off yet and he’s managed to get rear-ended when he wasn’t even supposed to be driving it, punched a dent into the rear fender, broken my windshield, and scorched a mark into the passenger side carpet. I haven’t bothered trying to fix anything because he’s so volatile and unpredictable, I don’t know when he’s going to lose control and dive back down the rabbit hole of anger-driven depression.
Uh-huh. Shitshow.
Mismanagement
Where to start….
About a year ago, we restructured, creating four units of 2 to 3 teams each rather than three units of 3 to 4 teams. On the outside, the change seems minimal. For my staff, this was a big change. We still serve the same number of staff, but the way it’s divided now creates issues not experienced before. In the hubbub, my manager changed… and I almost wish for the overbearing British coldness of my former boss. At least I had a sense of where I stood—about 12 rungs below everyone else. My new boss—someone that I used to get along with fairly well—is colder and often sides against me to stand by other managers in areas where I have more experience and knowledge. It’s not good. I’m not happy, and my staff knows it. I’m more despondent now than I ever was under my previous manager.
It’s frustrating and we’ve butted heads numerous times. Under my new manager’s ‘leadership.’ I received the absolute worst evaluation ever in my career. It included only negative commentary and absolutely none of my achievements, which included the months of work that I put into creating the section’s biennial budget. In the meantime, I have two staff members that I’ve been trying to get promoted for just over 12 months. Yes, an entire year. Both were submitted on the same day—along with three others. The three others were approved without even a question. I was told that management would agree to approve, but the final one they would not approve. That staff member rightfully filed a grievance, which is literally just being addressed now. And they’re ‘negotiating’ that outcome as well. I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, screaming that human resources deemed that 88% of her regularly assigned work is at the level that I’m trying to promote her to, so stop fighting me on this. All the while, both are working out of classification without compensation.
Again. Shitshow.
When It Rains, It Pours
A couple of months ago, I began having sharp, throbbing pain in the left side of my left breast. I don’t know why, buy my brain went there. I vaguely remember someone telling me that breasts shouldn’t hurt. I did something I don’t do very often. I consulted a doctor. After a breast exam, mammogram, chest x-ray, and blood tests, there were a couple of suspect lumps located. I go back in February for a follow-up to check the status, and to see if there has been any growth or change. Earlier this year and shortly after the COVID nightmare began, I experienced what my doctor referred to as an asthma incursion. The worst asthma I’ve ever experienced. So bad that I had to resort to medical care, medication, and the multiple-times-a-day use of my nebulizer. It took weeks to clear and my breathing, though better, still isn’t 100%.
During all of this, my daughter’s Nexplanon expired and started spitting out inconsistent doses of estrogen causing all kinds of fun problems for her. Weight gain, weight loss, acne, intestinal issues, and more. We’ve been trying to get her an appointment to have it removed only to be told that they don’t want to remove unless they’re putting something in its place. She wasn’t ready for that decision but has since decided that she can’t continue with things the way they are now. Then, she developed severe idiopathic hives. They don’t seem to be linked to anything, nor do they appear to stem from an allergic reaction. They occur intermittently and completely out of the blue. She’s become well versed in different home treatments.
As if all of that wasn’t enough, my husband has been having difficulty getting in to see his regular doctor. This man has type II diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. He takes 13 medications a day, plus insulin. Missing regular appointments with his doctor is bad. The reason he hasn’t been to see him is because the doctor went into private practice. He’s still agreeing to keep his patients but has been trying to get his office established.
Just before venturing out on his own, he gave my husband a referral to a urologist for a prostate exam because his PSA was high (over 4 ng/ml). We tried to make an appointment only to discover that our medical facility severed their relationship with the doctor on the referral. It took almost two months to get a new referral and set up an appointment. According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, a PSA of 2.5 ng/ml is normal for a man between 40 and 50[iii]; my husband is 52. By the time he was seen, his PSA was > 8 ng/ml. A biopsy was immediately scheduled. Today—while our oldest was receiving a root canal and crown—my husband and I went to get hear the results of the biopsy.
It’s prostate cancer.
I think it was important that I was there because he just kind of blanked out, trying to absorb what he was hearing. I think we both kind of knew what he was going to say, we just didn’t want it to be true. They took 12 samples, and four came back positive, which puts him at intermediate risk of this going real bad. Not that it’s to already bad. I’m glad I was there, though, because I asked some questions and bring some issues to light. For example, the urologist didn’t have a complete health history and wasn’t aware that 23 years ago, my husband had undergone radiation therapy for testicular cancer. He stated that it’s very unusual for a man to develop both testicular and prostate cancer. So, I guess he’s ‘beating’ the odds. Just not in a good way.
There are two—well, three—courses of treatment: 1) radiation therapy, 2) surgery, 3) do nothing. Here’s an interesting fact: men who have had radiation therapy in the past are not good candidates for surgery and having had radiation therapy in the past also complicates future radiation treatments.
That’s my final shitshow of the moment.
References
[ii] Time to Discuss Potentially Unpleasant Side Effects of COVID Shots? Scientists Say Yes.