Today is yet another experience of watching my son’s descent into the abyss of mental illness.
The past year has been hell and I thought there was a clearing on the horizon, but it seems that it’s been one storm after another. These past few months have been even worse: a DUI resulting in a broken arm, surgery, and a metal plates and screws; a stay at the local mental health facility; spending nearly two months in a motel because the girlfriend got kicked out of her house; and then a return to the house that has not gone smoothly.
About a month ago, the husband and I were out for a night with his ‘work wife’ and her husband. While we were enjoying Lobsterfest and throwback ’80s music, I began to recount Christian’s mental health history. It was then that a lightbulb went on and I realized that his progression has been mounting since about age four. It started out slowly with both a lack of focus and laser focus at the same time depending on the subject matter. Everything was color-coded–Legos were stacked by color not by shape or size–yet he was extremely disorganized. Everything had to be in his line of sight or it didn’t exist. This hasn’t changed as he’s gotten older.
Later, came the first official diagnoses from a trained psychiatrist in youth mental health. At that time, our focus was not on his mental health, but on his academic failings. He couldn’t focus on his school work and was constantly distracted. His teachers used to remark that he didn’t go outside for recess or really play with other kids. On more than one occasion she would send the kids out to recess and begin writing on the board only to turn around and realize that he was still in his seat, usually drawing or coloring. During class, he would start out paying attention and then get distracted and start counting ceiling tiles.
Once we moved and he started middle school, things didn’t improve. They didn’t seem to get worse, but he still kept to himself. This was also about the time that both his artistic and musical abilities began to manifest, which seemed to be the only positive in his life.
Now, as an adult, his instability seems to continue, his madness intensifying. At some point, the dam is going to break and there will be no turning back. I just hope that we can at least be there to mop up the mess.